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Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a peice of paper; But it's Empty

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Saturday, January 23, 2010 ( 7:04 PM )

I still feel that God knows me best, better than i do. When I have troubles or problems, I don't confide in my parents after i reach my teenage years. Many times, I do not understand them just as they do not understand me. Now, the people i entrust most are Preston and Chen Wei.
I remember when I was young, I was very curious and asked many things. When it was about sensitive topics, they would say in Chinese: Xiao hai zi bu yao wen zhe me duo. Since then, I asked lesser and lesser questions and eventually stopped asking. Many questions wondered in my head, unanswered. My parents and I seldom communicated, especially my dad. I was afraid of him of his temper so I would only ask my mum sometimes. Fortunately, I had my very kind and understanding grandfather, who loves me a lot. Whenever I am sad, the first person i would go to is him and he would comfort me. I feel so safe in his arms. He really doted on me and my siblings a lot. Toys and clothing would be given to us often, even though our parents were not in favour of too much pampering. I have a lot of fun playing with him and my unanswered questions will be answered by him. He was my all then. I enjoyed every single moment I had with him. He even promised to take me on a holiday overseas if i did well in my studies in P1. He really is a super nice guy, who keeps his cool at all times, no temper you could say. I admire him and was proud of him whenever we went out together. However, on the same year, he was hospitalised for heart attack. Just the thought of losing him, my heart ached and i can still feel the pain in my heart. A few days later, he asked to be discharged. Everything was done and my grandfather said he wished to go to the toilet first. The crucial moment hit, he slipped and fell. When my grandmother realised something was amiss, help was called in but my dear grandfather had already passed on. I was still schooling that time, this was what i heard from my parents. At the sending off, I was not allowed to see him for one last time and I still do not know why. My greatest regret is not able to save him from going to the place of eternal suffering. But i believe God will judge him righteously for my grandfather is a righteous man.
I do not want the same to happen to my loved ones. I want to be their guardian angel and guide them to the correct path. I love my parents but i do not show it. What's most important is in the heart. I do wish to do them proud in every single way possible. Countless times i have failed doing so and this O Levels is one good example. I know they are disappointed with my results but do they not know i am too with myself. All my friends are scoring better than me. It is my fault and i blame no one. Please do not mention the word "fault" or "blame" to me. I wish to be alone. I ask God for his forgiveness of my sins, for His guidance and direction because I know other than Him, there is no other way. Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. =)
Like Mother Teresa, I would love, see and serve everyone as though they are God himself. This way, I can not only prepare myself for the Kingdom Of God but also become a better person. Thank you Jesus. My savior, My God and my all.